Not being able to overcome fear is the most feared fear. Fear makes us behave in many different ways; sometimes we ourselves don’t know why and how we behave the way we do.
I recently met a friend of mine, who is in a relationship wherein she is just not happy. She knows that there is no future of the relationship. The man she is in love with is not in love with her. She also knows that she is being used in the relationship by the man. She knows that he will never ever be able to reciprocate her love. She also knows that he sleeps around everywhere when she is not with him. Yet, she is still in that relationship or should I say illusion of relationship.
As we spoke more and dug deeper, I learnt that she’s in the relationship not because he loves him the way she did earlier; not also because he’s very good at bed. In fact, she doesn’t feel him anymore while they are making love. She’s still in the relationship as she fears that she may not be able to find someone else. She’s with him as she’s under the fear of facing the society, the fear of being alone, she fears what will others think if they know she’s single and is not dating anyone.
Well, if you think she’s one of those RARE species; think again. She’s not alone to live out of fear. There are many, like her. Even you could be doing things more out of fear. There’s another friend of mine who is in a relationship more so out of his fears than love. He fears what if he doesn’t find anyone else, what if he is alone, what will happen to his partner if he leaves her. Mind you, both these are friends are fairly good-looking and hot as per the standards of most people; yet both are living in fear. In both cases, the relationship is going on because of fear. What I wonder is, for how long will these relationships last. Let’s look at some aspects of fear.
- Fear has nothing to do with your physical appearance. Like I mentioned, both friends mentioned above are fairly good-looking and many would be envious of their looks. Yet they both have their own set of fears and after having known them for so long, they both act more out of fear than anything else. They are both in such relationships where the base is fear and not love
- Anything based on fear doesn’t have the potential to last long. Based on what I’ve seen so far, when relationships do not have love as the base and are instead based on fear, even the tiniest of the matters have the potential to turn into big fights. It happens as we know we are trying to force love where there is no love. At the root of it, it is fear that drives such erratic and short-tempered behavior
- Fear is real till you overcome it. Fear always feels very real; however, it is real only till you are able to overcome it. Often, you will realize that once you overcome, it was imaginary and result of your own thinking. I don’t say that it is always imaginary, it can be real too but, in most cases, it is more in our mind than anywhere else
- Fear can be overcome. Like they say, there is nothing that cannot be done; so is the case with fear also. The bad news is that fear is there, but the good news is that it can be overcome. There’s no standard recipe for it as it depends on what kind of fear you are suffering from or how old the fear is and how deep impact is has had on you so far
Here are some steps that can be taken:
- Take baby steps – start slow; depending on what kind of fear you are suffering from, make your road to recovery from fear. Leave the larger fears aside for now. Start with the ones that impact you lesser. For example, if you are claustrophobic, try using the elevator for just one floor. Once you have reached, you will realize that you can actually move in an elevator. If there is any other fear you have, try facing that but with baby steps, if you fear water, get in a pool that is shallow enough to keep your head above the water
- Diagnose your fears thoroughly – unless you don’t know what your fear is, you will not be able to overcome it. Do a thorough diagnosis – either introspect or seek help from someone you trust or consult a professional for it. As they say, a clear diagnosis is half treated. Hence get to the root of your fears. A friend once told me he fears being in public spaces as thinks everyone is judging him. On further analysis, I learnt that he was probably bullied in school in groups which could be one of the reasons for him to live in fear. Though he still suffers from it, at least there is a root that has some connection to his current behavior
- Accept your fears – the first step to overcoming your fears is to accept them. Most of us do not accept that we are living in some kind of fear. Most people in bad relationships do not realize that they are suffering in a relationship not because they want to be in the relationship or they have no choice but because they fear not finding someone else. The worst is when you don’t realize it and don’t accept the same. You can only change what you know exists. If you don’t accept it, you will never be able to recognize it and change it
- Know that you always have a choice. Yes, as idealist it may sound, it is true – we always have a choice. The only way you can change life for yourself and others is when we exercise our choices. The choice we have is to either continue to use our fears as an excuse to suffer or make efforts to overcome it
- Have a plan in place. While it is all good to accept and then diagnose the root cause for your fears, it is equally important to have a plan in place. It needn’t be a very long plan. It could just be a series of baby steps with some milestones in mind. Keep it simple, but keep a plan. Only when you measure yourself against your self-set milestones, you will be able to track how you are doing. With every small milestone you will achieve, you will taste more success and reduce your fear
You may want to introspect and think deeply to see if there any fears in your life that are preventing you living it to the fullest. If you think, you are suffering from any of your fears and are suffering because of them, it is time you start on the journey to overcome and live your life fearlessly. Go for it… don’t stop.