Feeling insecure in a relationship is a very common issue these days. Over time I’ve realized that relations often get damaged due to lack of “sense of assurance” from either party. It is not necessary that only married or dating couples suffer from relationship anxiety; it is possible in boss-peer relationship, teacher-student or between friends. Think of it, how many times you feel secured in a relationship when the other person assures you of being there for you. On the contrary, how much relationship anxiety or insecurity you suffer from when there’s lack of sense of assurance from the other person. While I know, in most relationships, it’s a given that we are there for each other; my question is if everything is a given, why do we then expect others to do or say things that are anyway given. Just like we expect others to give us a sense of assurance, they expect the same from us too.
Let me give a few examples, how do you feel when you commit a mistake, yet your boss says “don’t worry, I’ll handle it” or your team members says “leave it to me and consider it done” or when your parent tells you that they will get you what you need or when simply tells you that they love you or will be there for you no matter what. Here’s what happens in such situations – IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD and it INCREASES YOUR CONFIDENCE. In the same way, when you assure your spouse or partner or parent or children that you are there for them, it makes them feel good and gives them a sense of security in the relationship. So, how do you do it?
- Express in words – often we ignore the importance of saying either because of our ego or shyness. In either case, shed that aside and express. If you can fight and accuse each other through words, you can also assure your loved ones using different words. I get it that actions speak louder than words but sometimes words are equally louder. Don’t let your ego or shyness get into your way to a healthy relationship
- Act and not just say – I know that the last point was about words but words without action are of no use. There are some people who are excellent with words but zero on action. Don’t do that as that gimmick won’t last long. Sooner or later one will see through your shallow words. Back your words with actions. If you say, you will be there throughout the thick and thin of your partner or employee or friend, prove it by being there when they need you
- Be genuine – please don’t appreciate even if the food is not cooked well. It is good to do so initially to boost the confidence but not good to do so continuously even when there’s no improvement. Acknowledging and giving a sense of assurance is not about lying or pacifying. It is about being genuine and honest as anything unreal will fall through sooner or later. Be GENUINE
- Do it regularly – do you eat food once in 30 days? No, you don’t because you need to feed your body regularly to keep it healthy. Similarly, to keep your relationship healthy, you need to constantly assure each other of your presence and willingness to rise up to any occasion. Don’t tell me that you say “oh I just told you I love you on our anniversary” Dude, that went by months ago. Your spouse or partner or anyone needs that assurance more often than you think they do
- Do it publicly too – maybe you don’t feel that way but many of us lounge to be acknowledged, appreciated and assured in the presence of others too. You may call it ego or the tendency to flaunt but it is very human to expect my parents or my partner or my children to give me a sense of assurance in the presence of others. There’s nothing wrong about expecting it or offering it. You never know what the person has gone through because of the people around him/her. Assuring is not a business to be executed in private only. Be open about your feelings and assure your loved ones in presence of others. It helps.
While there are many other factors that play their role in keeping a relationship, I chose to talk about one that I believe often gets taken for granted and is ignored. It is ignorance that cost people their relations… ignore words and actions at times not the feelings. Feelings are equally real; try understanding them and assure your loved one that you do understand them.